Life Song At The Moment

I'm trusting God to finish the work of making something beautiful out of the dust of my life. It seems like that day is long in coming, but I know that God has a purpose and a plan.

Missing Out

Am I really the one who's missing out on what the best thing is? I feel like there's something bigger and better out there that God wants to show me. People keep telling me to grab up what's being offered, but I can't make myself do it. "How many people will you break in this senseless quest for something many of us will never obtain?" I guess the farther God leads me, the more people will get broken.

This isn't the way I wanted it. But if this is what it takes to obtain God's best, I'll go through it. After all, what do I know? I would probably choose the path that would destroy me in the end. I often feel like I'm walking somewhere that only He knows. I get confused, frustrated and often angry. But He keeps reminding me that He's in control, and all I need to do is trust Him.

So what am I really missing out on? When so many others are settling for better, why can't I settle only for His best?

What if who the world thinks I should settle for really turns out to be someone I regret in the long run? -(Yeah, we're talking relationship, here)- I want so much more than the first guy who comes along and turns my head. People think I'm crazy for passing those opportunities up. And deep down, I guess I am. But I want something so much more than that. So I'm giving up better for best.

He's out there, and he'll be worth it.

Because I Knew You (and a random update on my life's goings-on)

It's easy to think that people who have caused us pain in this life are better off out of our lives. I'm thinking that maybe that isn't so... Sure, "toxic" people need to be avoided. But I also think that every person that God allows in our lives has served a purpose. I used to roll my eyes when people told me that. It seemed like bad things happened through screwed up people just, well, because. I felt like there really wasn't a reason other than pain like that was just part of the crap of life. Not so much now. I think that because I've experienced different things at the hands of different people, I am who I am today. I think I'm a better person because of what I've gone through. Stronger than I would've been. Wiser. More serious. More discerning.

True, getting cut deep by someone you love isn't necessarily fun, or desirable. But it molds. It's like the knife that smooths away the rough places and adds beauty.

A cracked vase can still be beautiful.

I'm starting to think that if some of those bad and painful things hadn't happened, my life would be different. I would be different. I would probably hate my life. I may seem like I have a lot to hate now. There are things I wish were different, but I could be so much worse off. Just some things I've been musing about lately.

I wonder what my life would be like without the 

stupid people in it...? 

It'd probably suck.

Aaaaaannnnnddd:

Here's the random update. I've been doing some reading/studying about the "Quiverfull" and "Patriarch" philosophies that seem to be sweeping some conservative circles. Some of my close friends hold to these ideas. In my mind, those ideas are insane. Far-fetched doesn't begin to describe them. This isn't even personal opinion. I did some Biblical research as well, and I find that so much of the doctrine in those philosophies is flawed. I might do a random rant of the two philosophies one day and go a little deeper.

I definitely don't feel the need to judge or slam any particular people group, but some common groups that advocate the "Quiverfull" and "Patriarch" philosophies include:

--Vision Forum (particularly "Beautiful Girlhood" and "The All American Boy")

--Michael and Debi Pearl

--The Duggar Family

--Colin and Nancy Campbell (Above Rubies editor)

I'm not knocking everything about these groups, but I find much of their ideas flawed and sadly, abusive to women and young children. I may or may not go in depth at a later time. I don't really feel the need to start a debate here... Just throwing my thoughts out. If you're interested to know more about both idea groups, do some research on your own and find out what God truly has to say about those matters.

A Rainy Symphony

I've always liked rainy days. But I think I like them even more now. It seems that rain often echoes my feelings. I often feel lonely, cold, sad, quiet, thoughtful. But lately, life is refreshing. God offers relief from the things I have to face. I have good friends, a wonderful family and an amazing (I don't use that lightly), truly awesome God. I could whine and go around miserable forever, but I have to choose to love life. I want to do just that. 


I'm starting to find that there's so much to live for. Sure, I can fool people into making them think that I'm happy when really, my heart is just as cold and lonely as the rain. 


I might come off as a little callous, but my empty places aren't going to be filled. Ever. I've come to accept that certain parts of me are just going to stay empty. But I've figured out how to move on. It's like I keep walking in the rain. I want to get out of it and into some sun and warmth, but I've accepted that my lot is to walk in the rain. I have to survive the best I can, and be thankful for the days when the rain isn't quite pouring and the wind isn't howling as loud as it usually does.


I don't mean this as a "poor me" post, or even an attempt to gain sympathy. It's just where I am. Where I live. Permanent rain. I'll always want some sort of relief, but I'll keep going. 'Cause to some extent, I don't want to know anything any different than I do now. It's not apathy. I'm not hopeless. I'm just tired. And I know I'm broken. You can't fix me, and honestly, I don't want to be fixed.