A Rainy Symphony

I've always liked rainy days. But I think I like them even more now. It seems that rain often echoes my feelings. I often feel lonely, cold, sad, quiet, thoughtful. But lately, life is refreshing. God offers relief from the things I have to face. I have good friends, a wonderful family and an amazing (I don't use that lightly), truly awesome God. I could whine and go around miserable forever, but I have to choose to love life. I want to do just that. 


I'm starting to find that there's so much to live for. Sure, I can fool people into making them think that I'm happy when really, my heart is just as cold and lonely as the rain. 


I might come off as a little callous, but my empty places aren't going to be filled. Ever. I've come to accept that certain parts of me are just going to stay empty. But I've figured out how to move on. It's like I keep walking in the rain. I want to get out of it and into some sun and warmth, but I've accepted that my lot is to walk in the rain. I have to survive the best I can, and be thankful for the days when the rain isn't quite pouring and the wind isn't howling as loud as it usually does.


I don't mean this as a "poor me" post, or even an attempt to gain sympathy. It's just where I am. Where I live. Permanent rain. I'll always want some sort of relief, but I'll keep going. 'Cause to some extent, I don't want to know anything any different than I do now. It's not apathy. I'm not hopeless. I'm just tired. And I know I'm broken. You can't fix me, and honestly, I don't want to be fixed.

Some Quotes

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” ~C. S. Lewis

"It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from." -C.S. Lewis 


"I let it fall, my heart. And as it fell you rose to claim it... But there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew. All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true. And the games you'd play, you'd always win, always win." ~Adele

Incomplete

I feel like there's a part of me missing. Like I'm not all there anymore. Maybe it's because that part of me that's always been there isn't there anymore. I feel like it's literally been ripped out and put somewhere else. I've decided that part of me that's not around anymore is dead. And it's not going to come back. There's no repairing this. Sometimes I cry about it. I was up last night thinking about it and crying over it. I'll always miss it. Some part of me will always belong to someone else, someone that I wish I had never let have that much. I know that God can fill up the empty places with Himself, and that He wants to do just that. But this is a loneliness I've never felt before. It feels like the scars have been ripped open again and they're bleeding more than they have before. I'm starting to get scared cause I feel like I'm starting to harden. I'm starting to become immune to the pain. I'm starting to welcome the familiarity of loneliness. It scares me that I just don't care that it hurts, that I don't care that I'm lonely, that I don't care that part of me belongs to someone else. I keep wanting to trick myself into thinking that I can move on. But all I feel when I start thinking that is the stupidity of that statement. I don't think I can ever fully move on. There's too much breakage, too many scars. I'm all whole on the outside, but inside I'm torn, bleeding and shattered. My mind is constantly crying and mocking the smile I've plastered on my face. I'm incomplete. I'm broken. But maybe one day, I'll find the beauty in all of these ashes. But for now, I'll keep bleeding.

Leaving Scars

Around July or so, I wanted to run away and stay gone. Just totally disappear and not come back. Ever. Summer is usually good. I'm usually excited about all the awesome memories that this summer would bring. But I dreaded the arrival of this summer.

See, last summer I hit rock bottom. I came to the end of myself. It hurt. I still have the scars to prove it, and I won't ever fully recover. These wounds are the sort that are always around. They throb when loneliness or a sense of loss triggers them. But this summer was different.

I decided that I would live passionately for today. I wouldn't worry about tomorrow. If I faced pain today, I'd deal with it today, not tomorrow. I wish I had known that last summer. Maybe breaking wouldn't have hurt so bad. Or maybe I wouldn't have broken at all... I still have the cracks, and I feel patched up, glued, like a shattered glass. Only, I've proven to be more fragile.

This summer, I feel reinforced. Part of me is dead. Things had to change, situations had to die. I see that now. I just never expected to fall as far as I did. I didn't expect to fall at all. I definitely know that it's something that's going to stay with me forever. I'll never forget it, and I'll always have some form of scar.

But at least the scars are starting to fade...

"Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)" by Sanctus Real

I know there's nothing I can do to change what happened.

I have to give every detail over to God.

Every. Single. One.

I can't hold on to any part of this situation.

If I don't completely let go,

I'll never know full victory.

After all, the work that He's doing,

it's heavenly.

On Sorrow

  Last night my pastor preached a fantastic message on God's blessings. He talked about how God is never reluctant when He blesses us, and how He's already given us everything we've ever needed and all we need to do is accept the blessings He's given. Pastor also touched on the fact that worrying about something is the same as saying one doesn't trust Him enough to handle the situation. That's already been taken care of. God has already handled whatever situation I'm facing at the time. All I have to do is to give it completely over to Him.

  This past week I went through something that was pretty trying emotionally. I had never been through something that had caused me to worry and literally stay awake two nights in a row. Sure, I cried. But it was mostly mental distress. I admit, not once did it cross my mind that God could take care of the situation.

  That was one situation I don't want to go through ever again. But I know that it very well could. It happens all too often in life. Details don't matter. All that matters is that I have already started to see that God can work in any situation to bring good. The good from this is that I have found that God has already handled the outcome of what I'm going through and He'll finish this so that it comes out for good in my life. I can't see the end, but I know that it will work out the way that it's supposed to. I'm also finding that life goes on. It may sound elementary; but I really felt that I would face pain, and because of my personality, a sense of guilt for a long time to come. 

  Today is a better day. Not only is the sun out outside, but it's also shining in my heart. I'm feeling happy and at peace today. And it's all because God has blessed me, and He adds no sorrow with these blessings.

But we never can prove 

the delights of His love

until all on the altar we lay.

For the favor He shows,

and the joy He bestows

are for those who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey.

For there's no other way

to be happy in Jesus,

but to trust and obey.