Stuck in Reverse

 Have you ever wondered why people go back to the very thing(s) that messed them up at some point? Maybe some sort of mistake, sin or even someone that should have been forgotten, learned from and moved past? What is it about human nature that makes things that are painful seem yet so attractive? What is it about the bad things that make us forget to weigh the consequences?
 Also, people are silly, silly beings.

What Do I Do With Being Broken?

 So what do you do when you had something really good, but then you turn around and you've carelessly tossed it aside for something that seemed better at the time? For me, I lost my mind. Yeah, pretty much obsessed and stressed till I couldn't sleep. I guess the saying, "You never know how good it is until it's gone" is true... I never really knew how good I had it.

 The only thing that I can do is learn from my mistakes. Yes, I've made mistakes, and I wish I could take them back. It's almost like I don't really know where to go next. I realize now that I had started to sort of build my life around that one thing. Maybe that's why I've lost it. Maybe because God is relentless until He owns it all. He's a jealous God and demands first place. I gave first place to something else. The sad thing is that I've done this whole thing before. Obviously, I didn't learn anything the first time around. I think I'm learning now.

 One thing I'm learning is that I can't keep my heart whole. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY on this earth to keep my heart from shattering. I've always considered myself one of those "bleed silently" people. Now I see how dumb that is. We're all broken people. None of us are whole. I feel like all of those well-meaning but crazy stupid people who say it's possible to keep your heart unbroken if you do x, y or z set a lot of us up for huge disappointment. 

 Obviously, I can't blame anyone but myself for what happened. But I feel like existing without experiencing a broken heart is an unrealistic expectation. Something, or someone, will break your heart before you leave your earthly existence. The question is, how will you choose to handle it when you're broken?

 Maybe broken is where God wants us. Broken, where we realize how much we need a Savior. Broken, where we see how lost, hopeless and alone we are when we try to control things outside His control. Broken, where we're forced to cry out for shelter.

 I heard a song today that resonated with exactly what's been going through my head and heart the past couple weeks.

 

I'm thinking that maybe, being broken isn't so bad after all....